Pink Slips: It’s Election Eve and the Choice Ain’t That Hard

I’m alternating between CNN and MSNBC as I type this. According to CNN’s ticker, 70% of the total number of people who voted in 2016 have already cast early votes. That’s almost 95.5M people.

In my estimation, this is either very very good (as in Trump fucked up so much that people rushed to the polls to get him the fuck out) or very very bad (as in people are so willing to tolerate Trump that they didn’t think it through and went ahead and cast their votes for him). Either way, civic engagement is always a positive, I suppose.

Now, I’m no spring chicken so I know that as of today, November 2nd, in the year of our Lord, 2020, there are some of you still contemplating your options. Normally, I call you a name that is nearly synonymous with word “stupid.” However, 2020 has been rough on all of us and I feel the milk of human kindness running through my veins so I’m going to say this to you as if you’re my very own 5-year-old that gained 35lbs. carrying and went through 12 hours of labor with before launching you out of my crotch.

Example 1: If you had house that desperately needed a new roof, and you had to choose Trump or Biden based on their work history regarding governmental leadership, who would you choose?

Example 2: If you had a car that didn’t run and had to choose between Trump and Biden to fix it based strictly on their ability to speak in complete and coherent sentences, who would you choose?

Example 3: If you had a job where you performed on the same level that Trump has performed, would you still have your job?

Those weren’t hard questions but I realize that for those of you who want to play crazy, that test will require you to dig down deep and be honest with yourselves. And yes, all of the gifs allude to Trump.

Since I’m your loving mother in this scenario, I’ll leave you with this: I believe in you, Timmy/Tammy. You’re a smart boy/girl. I know you’ll pass the test with flying colors.

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