As we all (should) know, Pelosi has announced that there will be a formal impeachment inquiry happening in reference to President Trump and his activities regarding Ukraine.
Of course, this has set off a storm of controversy from all sides. Many Republicans, even the ones that don’t like Trump, think this is the wrong move. Many Democrats are either happy or skeptical that anything will truly be accomplished in the way of impeachment. Then, you have the people like me who are somewhat ambivalent and believe that the Democrats will either drag this out so long that it will end up not mattering or that they’ll never get the 2/3 vote they need from the Senate to uproot Trump.
As of yesterday, the White House and those with close ties to President Trump have officially dug their heels in and decided they are not going to participate in the inquiry by refusing to submit documents or answer subpoenas.
I could take a more academic stance on these events but fall has finally hit Texas and for the first time in months, I don’t feel like I’m in Satan’s lair every time I step outside so without further ado, I’m presenting my creative take on the three ways I think this impeachment situation could play out.
Donald J. Trump in Three Acts
I. Trump is formally impeached and removed:
He goes on every media outlet, even the ones he claims are “fake news,” and has two-hour-long interviews with the same journalists he claimed were unfair and incompetent during his presidency and the interview is rife with conspiracies that have absolutely no basis in fact.
Interviewer: Mr. Trump, did you truly believe that you’d never be found out about your Ukraine interactions?
Trump: Find out what? Nothing’s been found out. The president of Ukraine has been known to forget things. He got me mixed up with someone else. And I know for a fact…I’m not gonna’ reveal my sources…but I know for a fact that Nancy Pelosi used her government credit card to order a voice actor from Impossible Impersonators exactly 48 hours before I called…I mean before the president of Ukraine received the call.
Interviewer: So, you’re saying that wasn’t you who spoke with the president of Ukraine?
Trump: And let me tell you, that government credit card has a $1 million dollar limit. ONE MILLION DOLLARS! And the accountant is Nancy Pelosi’s nephew. He didn’t even get his CPA. Before he worked for the government, he worked at Target in the back office balancing returns.
Interviewer: You’re saying that-
Trump: He’s a goof. That’s why I’m against nepotism hires. All they do is push an agenda. The agenda has been from day one to sink me. Sink Trump. Cause they know I’m brilliant. So brilliant, people would want me for a 3rd and 4th term.
Interviewer: You’re against nepotism but you hired your daughter and son-in-law in some key positions.
Trump: No, I didn’t. Listen, Troy (fake interviewer name I just made up), if you’re just going to repeat what your fake news organization told you, I’m not going to sit through this. I’m very busy. I have other places I could be. I didn’t come here to be accused by the liberal media. From day one, I’ve been targeted. Nancy Pelosi, Melania, and Ben Carson all wanted me out of the White House. They get paid. I haven’t taken a dollar! I became POTUS because I love America! And that Ivanka girl ain’t even my daughter!
Interviewer: Are you saying your own wife conspired with Nancy Pelosi and Ben Carson, who you appointed to HUD, to put you out of office?
Trump: Listen. All I know is the impersonator had a little soul in his voice and the maid in the background sounded European. The president of Ukraine told me that when I called him about Biden.
Interviewer: So, you did, in fact, contact the president of Ukraine to talk about Biden?
Trump: More fake news. It never happened. I’ve never ever spoken to the president of Ukraine. I don’t even know him.
Interviewer: (silence in contemplation of whether or not it’s too late to go to medical school instead)
II. Trump is convinced to resign a la Nixon:
In his resignation speech, he blames everybody. And I mean EVERYBODY.
“It is with much DISpleasure that I, Donald J. Trump, resign from the presidency of the United States of America. This is not something I want to do, but the constant harassment from the Democrats, including Nancy Pelosi and those 4 new colored women who aren’t even citizens, has forced me to leave this office. I would stay, but because of Twitter posting everything I tweeted, the bias against me that began since day 1 of my presidency has gotten worse. If the creator of the internet had never been born, “they” would have never had the opportunity to misconstrue my tweets. The fake news stations, CNN, MSNBC, PBS, CBS, ABC, NBC, and public access station 431 in Mousetrapper, Mississippi have all worked to place a stain on my presidency like Monica Lewinsky’s dress and interrupt the good work I was doing for free to make this country great again. In addition, whoever invented recording technology conspired with key democratic leaders by allowing my phone calls to other leaders to be captured.
Sasha Obama attempted to get the Kremlin to do me harm when she was 12 due to her psychic ability and knowing that I would succeed her father. I merely became friends with Putin when he realized that Sasha’s claims and attempts were baseless and that I’m a good person. Yet, the media does not want to focus on that.
Though my intentions for this country were pure, bloggers like The Wayward Daughter refused to not have an opinion and prop me up anyway. She’s one of the African-Americans and though they are known for incredible innovation with chicken and pork, they don’t generally know what’s good for them. I have endured relentless taunting for my orange visage on account of my tanning salon keeping me in the tanning bed for too long, and Mc Donald’s has wrongly discounted the price of many of their burgers and chicken products making them hard to resist and causing me to be fat-shamed in the press even though I’m a svelte 175lbs. at 6’2. Further, the White House chef would constantly add extra potatoes to my fries even though I asked him to. His obedience to my orders has brought great embarrassment to myself and my children.
I reported this bullying to several HR Assistants but received no help whatsoever. I am upset bigly that I had absolutely no support as the leader of this country. I am by far the most disrespected president that this country has ever had, even though I undoubtedly have done more for everyone…the African-Americans, the Latinos, and the LGBs included. I even helped families grow by helping to relieve Planned Parenthood of their Title X funding. But nobody appreciated it.
In closing, I’d also like to express my disappointment in all the people who voted for me for not running for House and Senate positions immediately after to save me from this fate and in my wife for not telling me that running for president would be a total disaster.
Thank you. And may God Bless America…even though America betrayed me.”
III. Trump is impeached and found not guilty:
He throws shade at the Democrats, repeats that he won by the largest margin in history, and talks on and on and on about his plan for the 2020 campaign, and makes idle threats.
Journalist: Mr. President, how do you feel about having successfully gone through the impeachment process?
Trump: I knew they had nothing! The Democrats have been after me for yeeeeears. Even before I officially started running for president, I was a threat to them. Listen, I beat Hillary by the biggest margin in history. The jealousy was clear. They just wanted to take Donald J. Trump down.
Journalist: Mr. President, what would you say to those who claim that you weren’t removed because the Senate didn’t have the 2/3 votes but otherwise you would have been removed because you are guilty?
Trump: If I were guilty, they’d have had the votes. This just proves that Nosy Nancy and the rest of the swamp have too much time on their hands and instead of trying to help the American people, they spent almost my entire term in office trying to dig up dirt and gossip about me like little school girls. I’m thinking about suing them all. I may even impeach THEM. I’m going to look into it.
Journalist: Mr. President, what are your plans going forward?
Trump: Obviously to win the 2020 election. This country looooves me. I’m the hardest working president in history. This economy is the best it’s ever been since Reagan. We’ve got to keep that going. The African-Americans are showing the best job numbers since before Lincoln. And this guy….(points to new Black guy he hired in the mailroom)…that’s Jerome. He knows the truth. I am not racist. I pay him very well to deliver my mail. The post office wouldn’t even hire him but I did.
But anyway, we’re gonna’ get that wall finished! I just contracted with a LATINO-owned wall-building company…you hear that folks? LATINO-owned and they support my vision for THE WALL! They believe in it so much, that they are doing it at a discount. I know them from Mar-a-Lago. One of their cousins used to work in the kitchen washing dishes. They do good work…within budget. Anyway, the wall’s gonna’ be YUUUUUGE!
Journalist: Mr. President, do you plan to change anything in terms of staffing for your administration since so many people resigned?
Trump: I don’t know. I guess I have to hire new people. Ivanka and Jared are still here. Maybe I won’t hire new people. I’m smart enough to do it all. You know, those people were loooosers and I never should have given them a chance in the first place. I’m currently talking to Kanye about being my Homeland Security guy but I don’t know yet.
I’ll be at Mar-a-Lago for two weeks because I deserve to relax after being victimized for the last three years. I’ll make sure the Press Secretary briefs you all soon. God Bless America!
(Trump exits and stays in Mar-a-Lago 4 weeks and America is left dumbfounded)