Tag: Trump

Trump Made Fools of His Supporters and All I Can Do Is Be Petty

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By now, we know that Trump is acting like a toddler having a fit because he can’t fly like a pigeon due to his recent LOSS of the 2020 presidential election to President-Elect Joe Biden. As of the writing of this piece, he still has not conceded and if you listen to CNN, he is likely using this DEFEAT to develop a grift where he gets the same poor unfortunate souls (shout out to Ursula), to donate money to his Trump 2024 PAC.

In the wake of the election he just LOST, he has decided to pretend that there was massive election fraud that boosted the Biden/Harris ticket into victory. His lawyers, who clearly don’t care about their legal careers or reputations, have filed several lawsuits in different states and….LOST them all. It’s weird because after LOSING the election, you’d think he wouldn’t want to take the chance to LOSE consistently but without people like him, there’d be no 90 Day Fiance, My 600lb Life, nor Love After Lockup.

During my free time, I troll Trumpsters on the New York Post FB page and I find it interesting how they’ve fallen for his claims of election fraud hook, line, and sinker. None, and I do mean, none of the ones I’ve encountered are able to accept the truth, even when presented with links and other empirical sources of information. You’d think that when you tell them that even if Trump got Pennsylvania back, he’d still lose, they’d at least turn around and finish their food, but no.

This would be cute were it not for the fact that….Trump and his attorneys aren’t even claiming election fraud. I mean…they’re saying that shit on Twitter and the news but in court where it matters? Neaux.

This picture refers to Jonathan Goldstein, one of Trump’s attorneys, being questioned by a judge in Pennsylvania. Although I’m tired doing work for free for the delusional among us, here’s a link to an article about the proceedings. I mean…if I’m going to set myself to be embarrassed for pay, I’d rather become a stripper. In fact, I think Trumpsters are much better off twerking for justice in this situation because COVID is getting worse and what else am I gonna’ do inside if not be entertained?

Imagine getting into an e-argument at 2 am (DST still has my sleep wonky) with lil’ ol’ me over election fraud that your lord and savior, Darnell J’Quarius Trump, told you was happening, but he doesn’t even claim election fraud in court. Imagine donating to the Election Defense Fund set up by Trumpsters to “protect the integrity of the election” and Trump already knows the election was just fine and he’s just being a sore loser.

It’s almost like when a woman does a love post on FB dedicated to her long-term boyfriend and then his other current girlfriends show up in the comments with pictures.

Listen, I’m all for loyalty and shit but when the receipts are presented, I trust that the purchase was made and there’s no need to fight about it any further. Almost every adult who understands multi-syllabic words and works directly or indirectly with elections as affirmed that this election was the most secure ever.

Hold on a minute my producer is trying to tell me something…wha…uh-huh…really?

Wait. Trump himself said that his administration has made the 2020 election the most secure in history? That’s right folks. DJT, who got you all riled up and currently has you attending a super spreader “march” in DC, said that his administration had made the 2020 election the most secure in history from his own trout mouth. Yeah, then he said it was rigged but you know you people have no problem cropping and chopping when it suits you and neither do I.

I’m finna’ go rue the fact that it’s November and I’m sitting outside in volleyball shorts and a t-shirt but before I go, I just want to make sure you Trumpsters know that you got played. Big time. You got played so hard, you need to go on Cheaters. You need to go on a daytime talk show about people who lost all their money to an internet romance scam. You need to shut down your page and come back with a stock photo with just your middle name and mother’s maiden name. You got tv-court-show-suing-for-the-money-I-spent-thinking-this-would-turn-into-a-relationship played.

You’ll heal eventually. The heartbreak will fade away. Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla is the best comfort food. Just don’t eat too much because before Trump leaves, his new SCOTUS may kill the ACA.

Don’t Blame Trump: If You Took Medical Advice From Him, You’re An Idiot

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At Thursday’s Coronavirus briefing, after a few words from one of the scientists who are studying what to do and how to do it in terms of dealing with COVID-19, President Trump stood up and queried about different methods that could possibly be used to kill the virus.

One of the things he mentioned was the injection or ingestion of disinfectants.

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Of course, the media jumped all over this. The head of the CDC issued a statement to never ever ever inject or ingest disinfectants. Even Lysol made it clear that using their products internally would cause grave danger and cleaning products should be used as directed on the bottle.

Friday, 24 hours after Trump’s comments, the public was still being warned against things like drinking bleach and pumping Lysol in their veins.

Today, Saturday, now about 48 hours later, the messaging continues.

Before I put on my trusty surgical mask and ran to Dollar General, I came across this article letting the world know that within 24 hours of Trump’s statement, 30 New Yorkers called into poison control centers to inquire about drinking bleach and doing other ridiculous things with household cleaners in order to kill COVID-19.

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Whew! There’s the synopsis.

Of course, everyone is either laughing or mad at Trump. I’ve seen several people declare that Trump is going to get us all killed. I mean…I can’t call it.

What I do know though is that Trump is getting too much credit for the stupidity of the American populace.

Let’s be clear: anyone who would even consider drinking bleach to cure a virus is a dumb muthafucker and it wouldn’t have mattered if Trump, Obama, the Wizard of Oz, or Dr. Ruth told them to do it.

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What’s next? Are we going to start taking 4 year-olds up on their advice that we have cake and ice cream for breakfast every day? Maybe we’ll make smoking cigarettes cool again as an effective way to keep our waistline in check? Perhaps we should start eating a Snicker’s, a bag of seasoned fries, and a 20oz. Coke for lunch like we did when were 16 as an anti-aging tactic!

That’s how these people sound taking medical advice from a non-medical professional president. Better yet, they’re taking medical advice from a person who has gotten caught in so many lies since he’s been in office that Webster will probably come up with a new word for lie once his presidency is over.

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The upshot is this: Trump can be blamed for many many many things. But you can’t blame him for the lack of grey matter in other people’s brains – or yours (if it applies).

What I hate the most is that the idiot cohort of this country has made me officially and in writing defend Donald Trump.

 

Coronavirus Briefings: The Most Entertaining Hour of Television

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I’ve been watching the Coronavirus briefings every day. I do this partly to stay informed but mostly because they’re so damned entertaining.

If it’s not Trump grandstanding about how successful a president he had been before COVID-19, it’s him throwing a tantrum when reporters do things like quote his own words and ask questions that remind us that this is a serious health crisis.

But today, though a short episode, will probably go down in my memory as the best episode of all. One of Trump’s friends, Mike Lindell, CEO of My Pillow, took to the podium to talk about how his company was helping in the fight against COVID-19. They are making….something. I can’t even remember.

Anywho, at the end of his speech about what was relevant, he turned to Trump and asked if he could read a supplement to his speech; something he just scribbled down last minute.

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He then goes into a…2 years of speech and debate and IDEK what to call it…about how on November 8, 2016, God showed us grace (by allowing Trump to win, I guess) and that soon evolved into how “we” need to put God and the Bible back in our schools and our lives.

“God gave us grace on November 8th, 2016, to change the course we were on. God had been taken out of our schools and lives; a nation had turned its back on God. And I encourage you to use this time at home to get back in the word, read our Bibles, and spend time with our families.”

We’ll call it a geshrai.

That inspirational tidbit was eventually followed by Greg Hayes of United Technologies that is teaming with Raytheon getting up there and throwing low-key shade about how they didn’t need to wait for the POTUS to invoke the Defense Production Act in order for them to help. The subtext and shade of that was that Trump invoked it after talks with GM fell through for the manufacturing of ventilators.

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As a grand finale, after Yamiche Alcindor, the PBS reporter who got under Trump’s skin severely yesterday by quoting him, asked her question today, and Trump called her question “snarky.” After that he cut and run like a wildebeest that just spotted a lion coming in his direction.

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Never did I think that this would become my favorite time of day. Then again, I didn’t think that I’d be forced inside by a virus that came from Asia and has been killing people all over the world so….

The Hillary Documentary: It’s Clear Why She Lost

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I just finished watching the Hulu documentary “Hillary.” It’s broken down into 4 episodes and pretty much chronicles her life from her childhood through where she is today.

There were a couple of things that I just couldn’t help but forget, partly because she stated them more than once, that made it obvious why she was defeated by Donald Trump.

First was her assertion that she simply could not understand why people didn’t find her trustworthy. She’s annoyed by it. You have a white woman who grew up in a Republican household, was a Goldwater Girl, was voted president of the Republican group at her college, and even, as a child throwing a temper tantrum told her dad she was going to get revenge by marrying a Democrat. It may sound minor but the thing is…people, especially Black people, aren’t so quick to overlook one’s past and readily accept their claim of a new way of thinking. This goes double for a group of people who were harmed by the person or group you “used to” support. That crime bill her husband signed as president didn’t help matters much either.

Secondly, white women. By now we know that 53% of white women turned on Hillary in the election and voted for Trump. On one of the episodes, they play a clip of Hillary being interviewed about her husband, then governor Bill Clinton, using the law firm she was employed by for litigation involving government matters. The concern was that she was in a position to sort of double dip since her firm handled State of Arkansas business.

In this particular interview, she says something like, “I could haven stayed home and baked cookies but I decided to fulfill my career in the law.”

Welp. You can guess how that turned out. In the next few scenes, white women who were homemakers express how pissed they were at her for those comments. They basically found them degrading, condescending, and every other word you could use to describe stay-at-home moms feeling insulted.

IDK if Hillary knows this, but many of those women were still alive during the 2016 election and they didn’t forget.

Additionally, one of the women on her team who would hold focus groups confirmed what I’ve been saying since…forever (call me Swami K). Many of the women did not like that she stayed married to Bill after the Monica Lewinsky situation. These women admitted that their husbands had cheated on them too and they decided to stay, but when it came to Hillary trying to lead the country with that same history, they weren’t into it.

Basically, they saw Hillary staying with Bill as a sign that she was more about the benefits of being married to him; too ambitious. And if you think about it, back to the trustworthiness issue, it’s hard to play the uber feminist role she played while staying with a husband who cheated on you more than once.

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Besides these two things, there are times when she comes off as…smug and very flippant. At one point, she talked about the “super predator” comment and the interviewer asked if she had to apologize for it. Hillary says, “I don’t know. I was talking about a lot of stuff people didn’t care about,” and shrugged.

This is also the documentary where Hillary proclaims that nobody wants to work with Bernie Sanders, although she and her team seemed mighty worried that he might beat her at one point.

I don’t know if the intent of this documentary was to humanize her or if someone just found her interesting enough to do a documentary on her but IDK if they accomplished that at all.

You can catch it on Hulu. It’s called, “Hillary.”

Go Home, Roger! I Need Hillary Clinton To Stop Now

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Last week was politically eventful. The House Managers and the POTUS’ counsel wrapped up their closing arguments. The Senate voted on whether or not to allow documents and witnesses. The senators gave speeches detailing their final votes on impeachment. To nobody’s shock, Donald Trump was found not guilty and behaved as I predicted here. The day before, he delivered his State of the Union address where he bestowed the Medal of Honor upon one of the most ardent racists to have a microphone in their face, Rush Limbaugh, after announcing that he (Rush) has advanced lung cancer. In between that, in order to pander to the Black vote, he awarded a beautiful little Black girl a scholarship to escape her failing school and invited a 100-year-old Tuskegee Airman to attend.

Black History Month is getting off to an interesting start.

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In the mix of all that, the Iowa Caucus was held and in true DNC fashion, the fuckery ensued. I’m not up on all the details but this year, they used an app (allegedly programmed by a friend of the Clintons), that failed spectacularly when it really mattered. The next day, we still didn’t know who walked away delegate-rich. Later that day, we were told 62% of the precincts were reporting and showed Buttigieg narrowly besting Sanders. The next day, Sanders claimed that he knew that he had 6,000 more votes than Buttigieg. From my understanding, as the candidates have already moved on to New Hampshire, we still don’t have a definite answer on Iowa and now, the head of the DNC, Tom Perez is asking for a recount…BEFORE a final tally.

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So…yeah. Anybody who was around for the 2016 election knows where this bullshit is headed but what makes it even more obvious is that two-time non-victor, Hillary Rodham Clinton, for the past few weeks, has been determined to sully Bernie Sanders’ name in the press. First, it was her telling us that nobody likes Bernie and they don’t want to work with him. Yesterday, it was her going even further to try to discredit Sanders as a viable candidate.

The Hillary Clinton fans (who still, apparently, have not gotten over her INEVITABLE loss in 2016), say that it is payback for Bernie Sanders either not endorsing her in 2016 or endorsing her too late (depends on which one you ask).

Really?

At this point, y’all sound like the people who blame their spouse or their best friend for not forcing the Cheetos out of their hands when they failed to use the year they had to lose 20lbs.

It’s time for Hillary to stop. First of all, she got beat by a very little-known senator by the name of Barack Obama in 2008. That should have been the writing on the wall for her. When a WW who was the former first lady to a president that Black people luuuuuurved couldn’t win against a Black man most of only knew from that one speech at the DNC 4 years beforehand, the message is clear.

Second of all, Hillary is behaving like an entitled petulant child (ironically, what “moderate Dems” probably think about progressive Dems). Hillary, you lost. I know you want to blame it on Bernie but it wasn’t Bernie. You must not have seen and read what I did during that time but your loss was predicted far before the DNC chose you as the nominee (read that last part again cause I meant it). The 53% of white women who voted for your opponent and that you explained as women doing what their husbands told them to do (the same excuse given when it’s time to address the complicity of white women during slavery, btw), didn’t do you any favors either.

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Thirdly, some of us haven’t forgotten the DNC’s fuckery in 2016.

Somehow, Hillary and her supporters still want to blame “Bernie Bros” for the loss. This is odd to me when they brag about winning the popular vote though. Sooooo…..since you actually won the popular vote, is it really the fault of Bernie and his supporters or should you REALLY be mad at the Electoral College? You won the popular vote by 3M votes. What else was Bernie supposed to do. Go in and change people’s ballots for you?

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What’s funniest to me about this situation is that if this were Trump and his bowl of sour grapes talking about why something didn’t politically go his way, people would be making fun of him and telling him to stop being a crybaby and work harder next time. You all know that I’m not one to defend Trump, but I think that advice is appropriate for Hillary this time around. This Democratic race is already a shitshow. Why add to it?

Same message goes to Hillary fans. Stop that bullshit. All you’re doing is making yourself look bad while Hillary reminds the people who didn’t vote for her exactly why they didn’t.

Land of the Free & Home of the Cowards: The Impeachment Trial

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I just finished watching day 2 of the question and answer portion of the impeachment trial. I don’t even know what to say. I haven’t even titled this post yet because the things I heard in the trial are still whirling in my head and I’m lowkey speechless.

I could talk about a lot of different things but I think I’ll talk about what an international embarrassment this whole situation is. Imagine: a country elects a new president who has a firm anti-corruption stance and proves it shortly after beginning his job by getting rid of corrupt government officials and the leader of The United States of America is now on trial for his own corruption.

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Not only that, the attorneys that are supposed to be defending the POTUS have jumped from one defense to another almost by the minute. A group of between 5-6 attorneys can’t even come up with a steady, consistent, and logical defense of what their client did.

The pièce de résistance on this mountain of disgrace is that we have a body, the Senate, full of lawyers, who have largely decided that this TRIAL doesn’t need documents or witnesses. Further, 8 minutes ago, a senator who is retiring (meaning there’s no need for political gameplay from him), and who at one point basically said he had no doubt that the POTUS did what he’s being accused of, just announced that he would vote against the entry of documents and witnesses. He just said that the House Managers proved their case and that what the POTUS did was inappropriate. By the way, that senator’s name is Lamar Alexander.

As an African-American, I was long disabused of the “greatest country” bullshit that Americans like to run around proclaiming. So, please don’t interpret my tone as one of disappointment. What I’m feeling is more like fatigue. The electoral college put a reality TV star into the White House. He majorly fucks up like anybody with sense knew he would. And because he apparently has some dirt on a few of his fellow Republicans, people who could not stand him back in 2016 (like Lindsay Graham), are suddenly beholden to him and too afraid to do the right thing.

If the senate doesn’t at least censure him, the United States would have lost whatever credibility it had left.

 

Protesting Too Much: The GOP and the Impeachement Hearings

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So, many of us have been indulging in the national soap opera we call impeachment hearings. A couple of weeks ago, a cast of witnesses were brought in to testify to whether or not Trump demanded a quid pro quo from President Zelensky of Ukraine. You’ll remember that as Ambassaador Yovanovitch testified, Trump took the opportunity to talk shit about her on Twitter.

You’ll also remember Ambassador Sondland sitting with the petty bitch smirk as he rolled Trump under the bus like a bowling ball. One of the best parts was when Lieutenant Colonial Vindman had to get one of the lawmakers together about his title.

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During the impeachment inquiry, we learned that many adults in the United States of America don’t know the meaning of hearsay. We also learned that Trump is more vindictive than the proverbial woman scorned.

Then, this week, we heard from four law scholars on whether or not the framers would have considered Trump to have committed the high crimes and misdemeanors that are required for impeachment. Three said yes. One said no. The one who said he had not was clearly there for the GOP. Unfortunately for them (the GOP), he seemed like he didn’t own a television or smartphone.

What I noticed most in both sets of hearings was how the GOP lawmakers, instead of using their 5 minutes to ask questions (which is the point), decided to do soliloquies and mini-sermons instead for at least half the time.

Listen, we know y’all think this is a sham. We know y’all don’t want him impeached. The purpose of a hearing is to ask questions and get answers from witnesses that will assist you in making a final decision. We don’t need to hear from each of you how you think this is a witch hunt or being done because Schiff and Pelosi don’t like Trump.

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You would think that the GOP would remember the line about protesting too much. By using their 5 minutes to grandstand, yell, shout, and repeat the shit we read from randos on Twitter, all they’re doing is furthering the belief that there’s fuckery to hide. They sound like robots who were all programmed to say varying versions of the same thing.

If you’re really trying to find something concrete to disprove your opponent’s position, actually taking the time to formulate objective inquiry would go a long way. Instead, the GOP is content to put people like Jim Jordan on television to yell at people like a hobo on a street corner drunk off cheap bourbon in a Sears shirt with a comb over.

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But, what almost had me thinking I was about to slap somebody was when Rep. Gaetz shouted down Prof. Karlan as she attempted to answer him. Did you see that?

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When he shouted at Professor Karlan that she doesn’t “GET TO INTERRUPT” him during his time, half of which he spent doing a mini-sermon about how the Democrats are just mad at Trump and after having interrupted Prof. Karlan, I heard the African-American spiritual, “Who The Fuck You Talkin’ To,” play in my head.

I won’t even start on them boo-hooing about the reference to Barron Trump as if they didn’t sit by for 8 years and either engage in or excuse real insults against Sasha and Malia Obama.

Based on these most recent testimonies, Nancy Pelosi asked that articles of impeachment be officially drafted. I can’t wait until the trial. I sincerely hope Trump that testifies and doesn’t fold his arms like a big baby. And I’ll be live tweeting every second, especially if the GOP starts their martyr blues bullshit.

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I’ll say one thing: this shit should cause law school applications to skyrocket. If I could find a financier, I’d certainly enroll.

Any takers?

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Cabbage Soup Diet & Politics: I Agree With Obama

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This week, several publications reported on statements that former President Barack Obama made at a private dinner geared towards Liberals who were rich enough to attend (ok, I added that last part). Here’s what he said to the donors at the Democracy Alliance gathering:

“This is still a country that is less revolutionary than it is interested in improvement,” he said at the annual meeting of the Democracy Alliance. “The average American doesn’t think we have to completely tear down the system and remake it.”

Of course, liberals (particularly of the SJW type), jumped all over that comment and Obama in general. They viewed it as weak and proof (retroactive, of course) that Obama was and is every bit the “puppet” that they claim all politicians are. These people swear fo’ gawd that they indeed want to tear the system down, and some even assert that this is proof that Obama is really more of a less right-leaning Republican.

Well, this will probably get me #cancelled but I actually agree with Obama. Why? Let’s look at what he said. He said this is still a country that is less revolutionary than it is interested in improvement. I see no lie. If America were interested in revolution, it’d have already happened by now.

The dictionary defines “revolution” as the forcible overthrow of the government. By that definition, Black folks alone would have burned this place to the ground long before any of us were born and if not, they’d (we’d) have done it by now.

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Even in the midst of the severe income inequality that everyone claims to be pissed about, the most physical demonstration of that anger was Occupy Wall St. where a bunch of mostly white kids agreed to sit on the sidewalk in NY’s financial district holding signs, chanting, playing lutes, and not showering. And if I had to guess, because of white privilege, most of those kids are just fine now and their participation is now something they can tell their children and grandchildren they did to seem cool.

Some revolution!

Obama went further to advise current candidates to watch the policies they are pushing. He verbalized immigration as one of these policy hot buttons. For example, Julian Castro, once an Obama official, has proposed decriminalizing illegal entry (which I find funny because as much as progressives tout the more liberal policies of other countries, they forget that most countries view illegal entry as a crime and will send you back…but anywho…).

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But here’s the best part of what Obama said:

“Voters, including Democrats, are not driven by the same views that are reflected on certain left-leaning Twitter feeds, or the activist wing of our party,” he said. “And that’s not a criticism to the activist wing. Their job is to poke and prod and text and inspire and motivate. But the candidate’s job, whoever that ends up being, is to get elected.”

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I think that last line is the closer. My personal opinion is that to be successful in politics, you have to find the public sweet spot. Many of the people criticizing Obama forget that he won two presidential elections and in his other political positions, he only lost once. It’s obvious that his statements at this dinner, along with statements he made back in October about cancel culture, are really his advice against trying to run on unsustainable or sensational platforms. I’ve said before that a candidate who has never held a position can promise the moon and stars but when they get in the office and see what’s what, they may realize that what they promised is not feasible.

Voters like myself are not listening for buzzwords and looking for shiny objects and moving parts. We want to hear realistic and actionable platforms that make sense and don’t sound like something picked up from watching a Barney marathon while high on LSD.

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A lot of progressives want to see a cabbage soup diet platform but since the consensus seems to be just defeating Trump (or in his absence the GOP challenger), that strategy where you treat the constituents like 6 year-olds let loose in the Lego Store, is not going to work.

I do believe that people have high expectations for the 2020 campaign season and election, but the Dems (should have) learned in 2016 that the opposing candidate being an unqualified buffoon is not enough to win. So I think it’s worth paying attention to Obama’s advice.

 

Donald Trump In Three Acts

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As we all (should) know, Pelosi has announced that there will be a formal impeachment inquiry happening in reference to President Trump and his activities regarding Ukraine.

Of course, this has set off a storm of controversy from all sides. Many Republicans, even the ones that don’t like Trump, think this is the wrong move. Many Democrats are either happy or skeptical that anything will truly be accomplished in the way of impeachment. Then, you have the people like me who are somewhat ambivalent and believe that the Democrats will either drag this out so long that it will end up not mattering or that they’ll never get the 2/3 vote they need from the Senate to uproot Trump.

As of yesterday, the White House and those with close ties to President Trump have officially dug their heels in and decided they are not going to participate in the inquiry by refusing to submit documents or answer subpoenas.

I could take a more academic stance on these events but fall has finally hit Texas and for the first time in months, I don’t feel like I’m in Satan’s lair every time I step outside so without further ado, I’m presenting my creative take on the three ways I think this impeachment situation could play out.

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Donald J. Trump in Three Acts

I. Trump is formally impeached and removed:

He goes on every media outlet, even the ones he claims are “fake news,” and has two-hour-long interviews with the same journalists he claimed were unfair and incompetent during his presidency and the interview is rife with conspiracies that have absolutely no basis in fact.

Interviewer: Mr. Trump, did you truly believe that you’d never be found out about your Ukraine interactions?

Trump: Find out what? Nothing’s been found out. The president of Ukraine has been known to forget things. He got me mixed up with someone else. And I know for a fact…I’m not gonna’ reveal my sources…but I know for a fact that Nancy Pelosi used her government credit card to order a voice actor from Impossible Impersonators exactly 48 hours before I called…I mean before the president of Ukraine received the call.

Interviewer: So, you’re saying that wasn’t you who spoke with the president of Ukraine?

Trump: And let me tell you, that government credit card has a $1 million dollar limit. ONE MILLION DOLLARS! And the accountant is Nancy Pelosi’s nephew. He didn’t even get his CPA. Before he worked for the government, he worked at Target in the back office balancing returns.

Interviewer: You’re saying that-

Trump: He’s a goof. That’s why I’m against nepotism hires. All they do is push an agenda. The agenda has been from day one to sink me. Sink Trump. Cause they know I’m brilliant. So brilliant, people would want me for a 3rd and 4th term.

Interviewer: You’re against nepotism but you hired your daughter and son-in-law in some key positions.

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Trump: No, I didn’t. Listen, Troy (fake interviewer name I just made up), if you’re just going to repeat what your fake news organization told you, I’m not going to sit through this. I’m very busy. I have other places I could be. I didn’t come here to be accused by the liberal media. From day one, I’ve been targeted. Nancy Pelosi, Melania, and Ben Carson all wanted me out of the White House. They get paid. I haven’t taken a dollar! I became POTUS because I love America! And that Ivanka girl ain’t even my daughter!

Interviewer:  Are you saying your own wife conspired with Nancy Pelosi and Ben Carson, who you appointed to HUD, to put you out of office?

Trump: Listen. All I know is the impersonator had a little soul in his voice and the maid in the background sounded European. The president of Ukraine told me that when I called him about Biden.

Interviewer: So, you did, in fact, contact the president of Ukraine to talk about Biden?

Trump: More fake news. It never happened. I’ve never ever spoken to the president of Ukraine. I don’t even know him.

Interviewer: (silence in contemplation of whether or not it’s too late to go to medical school instead)

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II. Trump is convinced to resign a la Nixon:

In his resignation speech, he blames everybody. And I mean EVERYBODY.

“It is with much DISpleasure that I, Donald J. Trump, resign from the presidency of the United States of America. This is not something I want to do, but the constant harassment from the Democrats, including Nancy Pelosi and those 4 new colored women who aren’t even citizens, has forced me to leave this office. I would stay, but because of Twitter posting everything I tweeted, the bias against me that began since day 1 of my presidency has gotten worse. If the creator of the internet had never been born, “they” would have never had the opportunity to misconstrue my tweets. The fake news stations, CNN, MSNBC, PBS, CBS, ABC, NBC, and public access station 431 in Mousetrapper, Mississippi have all worked to place a stain on my presidency like Monica Lewinsky’s dress and interrupt the good work I was doing for free to make this country great again. In addition, whoever invented recording technology conspired with key democratic leaders by allowing my phone calls to other leaders to be captured.

Sasha Obama attempted to get the Kremlin to do me harm when she was 12 due to her psychic ability and knowing that I would succeed her father. I merely became friends with Putin when he realized that Sasha’s claims and attempts were baseless and that I’m a good person. Yet, the media does not want to focus on that.

Though my intentions for this country were pure, bloggers like The Wayward Daughter refused to not have an opinion and prop me up anyway. She’s one of the African-Americans and though they are known for incredible innovation with chicken and pork, they don’t generally know what’s good for them. I have endured relentless taunting for my orange visage on account of my tanning salon keeping me in the tanning bed for too long, and Mc Donald’s has wrongly discounted the price of many of their burgers and chicken products making them hard to resist and causing me to be fat-shamed in the press even though I’m a svelte 175lbs. at 6’2. Further, the White House chef would constantly add extra potatoes to my fries even though I asked him to. His obedience to my orders has brought great embarrassment to myself and my children.

I reported this bullying to several HR Assistants but received no help whatsoever. I am upset bigly that I had absolutely no support as the leader of this country. I am by far the most disrespected president that this country has ever had, even though I undoubtedly have done more for everyone…the African-Americans, the Latinos, and the LGBs included. I even helped families grow by helping to relieve Planned Parenthood of their Title X funding. But nobody appreciated it.

In closing, I’d also like to express my disappointment in all the people who voted for me for not running for House and Senate positions immediately after to save me from this fate and in my wife for not telling me that running for president would be a total disaster.

Thank you. And may God Bless America…even though America betrayed me.”

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III. Trump is impeached and found not guilty:

He throws shade at the Democrats, repeats that he won by the largest margin in history, and talks on and on and on about his plan for the 2020 campaign, and makes idle threats.

Journalist: Mr. President, how do you feel about having successfully gone through the impeachment process?

Trump: I knew they had nothing! The Democrats have been after me for yeeeeears. Even before I officially started running for president, I was a threat to them. Listen, I beat Hillary by the biggest margin in history. The jealousy was clear. They just wanted to take Donald J. Trump down.

Journalist: Mr. President, what would you say to those who claim that you weren’t removed because the Senate didn’t have the 2/3 votes but otherwise you would have been removed because you are guilty?

Trump: If I were guilty, they’d have had the votes. This just proves that Nosy Nancy and the rest of the swamp have too much time on their hands and instead of trying to help the American people, they spent almost my entire term in office trying to dig up dirt and gossip about me like little school girls. I’m thinking about suing them all. I may even impeach THEM. I’m going to look into it.

Journalist: Mr. President, what are your plans going forward?

Trump: Obviously to win the 2020 election. This country looooves me. I’m the hardest working president in history. This economy is the best it’s ever been since Reagan. We’ve got to keep that going. The African-Americans are showing the best job numbers since before Lincoln. And this guy….(points to new Black guy he hired in the mailroom)…that’s Jerome. He knows the truth. I am not racist. I pay him very well to deliver my mail. The post office wouldn’t even hire him but I did.

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But anyway, we’re gonna’ get that wall finished! I just contracted with a LATINO-owned wall-building company…you hear that folks? LATINO-owned and they support my vision for THE WALL! They believe in it so much, that they are doing it at a discount. I know them from Mar-a-Lago. One of their cousins used to work in the kitchen washing dishes. They do good work…within budget. Anyway, the wall’s gonna’ be YUUUUUGE!

Journalist: Mr. President, do you plan to change anything in terms of staffing for your administration since so many people resigned?

Trump: I don’t know. I guess I have to hire new people. Ivanka and Jared are still here. Maybe I won’t hire new people. I’m smart enough to do it all. You know, those people were loooosers and I never should have given them a chance in the first place. I’m currently talking to Kanye about being my Homeland Security guy but I don’t know yet.

I’ll be at Mar-a-Lago for two weeks because I deserve to relax after being victimized for the last three years. I’ll make sure the Press Secretary briefs you all soon. God Bless America!

(Trump exits and stays in Mar-a-Lago 4 weeks and America is left dumbfounded)

Fin.

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Then What? The Bad News For Boycotters

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A couple of days ago, it was revealed that one of the owners of Soul Cycle and Equinox was holding a Trump fundraiser. As celebrities and regular degulars alike took to Twitter and Instagram to urge people to give up their memberships, the companies released statements saying that the fundraiser was being thrown with the owner’s own money, that he only owns a piece of the companies, and that the companies do not condone or promote bigotry of any kind.

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Kewl.

As we all know, Chik-Fil-A is another company that we’re supposed to be boycotting because of its owners’ history of donating to charities believed to espouse anti-LGBTQ sentiments. Then, there’s Wayfair, Hobby Lobby, ABC Supply, HSN, etc… The list goes on and on and on and most of it has to do with owners being Trump supporters, Trump merchandise being sold (HSN), or the owners having an ultra-conservative stance on hot button issues.

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It seems like many of these boycotts are actually just performative for social media. I mean, I haven’t eaten at Chik-Fil-A in years but the one closest to where I live, in a highly Democratic area, consistently has two lines that spill into the street. And to be honest, me not eating Chik-Fil-A has more to do with me staying sexy and refusing to sit in a drive-thru for 30 minutes than the owner thinking that there’s something wrong with being gay or abortion.

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I still wear New Balance because I’m not going to worsen my plantar fasciitis and buy Nikes because the owner of New Balance is a Republican.

I think people are missing a few things in their zeal to boycott.

  1. Very few owners of multi-billion dollar companies don’t have a right-leaning stance about something. Remember when the light bulb illuminated during 2007 and Millennials realized that the people with real money were helping to call the shots and actually loved Republican leadership? Okay. Well, yeah….that. Even if they don’t care about abortion or queerness, they are at least fiscally conservative which is another way to say that they are into controlling costs (ie. keeping a low minimum wage) and getting and staying as rich as they can (ie. curiously beneficial tax codes). It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with Trump for them. They’d have voted and donated to the guy who plays the trombone on the street corner if he were to become a Republican president.
  2. The racial aspect. White people are in a position to play around with their politics and kind of pick and choose at their leisure what they are and aren’t going to do and who they are and aren’t going to boycott. White people are also able to be shocked and appalled. Black people haven’t had the same ability to be socially daft or unconscious. First of all, we have to presume that all these rich white men are some kind of –ist. Actually, we have to presume that white people, in general, are some kind of –ist. History suggests it. Our survival, since we’ve been in this country, has always depended upon us analyzing the prospect that the white people we come in contact with for any reason could actually hate our asses. When you live with that as part of your default, you tend to not be as reactionary when you find out that the white owner of your favorite pizza joint doesn’t like Black people. What’s new? Chik-Fil-A isn’t open on Sundays. Common sense tells you why. So then, if they are clearly Evangelicals, is it really a shock that they think anything but heterosexuality is a sin? Not really. Just like we ate Sister Williams’ peach cobbler knowing that she also thought being gay was a sin, we’re gonna’ go get that 8-piece nugget meal. Basically, if we boycotted every business run by people who don’t like us, there’d be almost literally nowhere for us to go besides the local Black-owned BBQ and catfish joints and our beauty salons or barbershops.

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3. After the boycott, then what? These people are clearly unapologetic about their political stance. Chick-Fil-A is still poppin’, which is a sign that not even the boycotters are on the same page. And as of yet, I’ve not heard of any actual policy ideas that boycotts are supposed to spark. For example, the bus boycott during the CRM was done to end segregation on the buses. But, from what I can tell, all the boycotters want is for people to stop liking/supporting the Trump campaign or stop being racist/homophobic, etc. That’s not how that works. Boycotts should focus on policy change, not likeability. You think all those Republican millionaires really like Trump? No. You think you not buying a pair of shoes or a biscuit meal is going to change those millionaires internally? Not likely.

Nothing is wrong with boycotting. Hell, I’ve been boycotting Ross since 1997. But, I feel like while you’re boycotting, your eyes need to be on a prize and like it or not, when you finally break and get some waffle fries, Trump will still be president.